To Work or Not to Work, THAT Is the Question ...

I am over-educated. Or, at least, it seems like it ... at times. I have undergraduate degrees in English, Spanish, and nursing. I also have a graduate degree in English education. I spent the majority of my 20's either in college, applying for college, or graduating from college. I guess you could say it was an addiction. Looking back on it now, I think perhaps school was (for me) a time filler. I wasn't sure what I was doing with my life ... and so I kept on studying. And studying. And studying. And so, with those degrees, I've had a variety of jobs ... everything from teaching high school to working nights as a nurse at a hospital to fighting fires with the Forest Service to pouring coffees as a barista. It came as a surprise to me, then, that after the birth of my daughter in July 2010 ... all I wanted to do was to "be a mom." And that's where things get complicated in our culture.

What it means to "be a mom" any more can mean any number of things. There are single moms that work 2 jobs while raising kids. There are moms that stay home while their partner works. There are moms that work part-time, moms that work full-time. Sometimes children go to childcare. Sometimes they stay home with dad, or another family member. We live in a society that really doesn't have any steadfast "rules" around working and mothering ... which leaves the decision completely up to us. This, I believe, is a good thing. And yet ...

During my pregnancy I thought I would definitely want to work part-time as a nurse. After Little Bear was born, I got confused. I felt I should want to work part-time. I felt I should help contribute financially. I felt I should be using all that education I spent so much time and money on. So why didn't I want to work? And should I want to? These questions can only be answered by each individual mother. I must be honest, I've struggled with the idea that perhaps I am one of those moms that just wants to stay home (and has a spouse that supports me in that decision)! My mother stayed home with us. And I LOVE staying home with Little Bear. Of course there are moments each day when I think, "I need a break!" But when I weigh the alternative (being away from her at work), I am grateful for the opportunity I have to be with her morning, afternoon, and night.

I am grateful that 1) I am married to an amazing man that supports my decision to work or not work, and 2) we have made financial decisions that are allowing us to live off of one income (his). To even have the choice to work or not to work is something that many mothers have never experienced. I am very, very blessed to have this freedom. And yet, as a college-educated woman of the 21st-century, I still can't shake that feeling that I am somehow "letting down" someone (I still can't quite figure out who that "someone" is). I feel like, perhaps, I am not doing enough. Or that I'm "wasting" a "good education." I hope I'm not. I hope that everything I learned as a teacher and nurse will enable me to be an amazing mother and wife.

Perhaps I will find something that I can do out of the house. Perhaps I can take up writing again (outside of a blog post every now and then). Until then, I am slowly growing more accustomed to the idea of being a stay-at-home mom. And I am slowly, ever so slowly, growing proud of it.